You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
