Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
