You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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