You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
