my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
