youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
