At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just invented taco cereal.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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