Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
