I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
