Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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