You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
