Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
