just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
