were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just invented taco cereal.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
