Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
