Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
