Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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