I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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