you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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