At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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