The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
