Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
