Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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