meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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