apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
