we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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