I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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