I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
