Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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