just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
