It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
