cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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