You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
