It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
