we have pet lesbian snakes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
