I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
