no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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