3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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