Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We smell like vodka and hangover
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