i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
