my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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