:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
