I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
