I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
