He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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