My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
