Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
