apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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