could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
