The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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