So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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