i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
