so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
