I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
They have beer where we have blood.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
