Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
