Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
