why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
