I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
