Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
