you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
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Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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