i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
