I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She's the barista slut.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
