Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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