Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
wow bdsm is so cute
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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