I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
