Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
