A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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