Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
